Librarian is the new Postal

Feb 27, 2008

{ Tax Season }

-Excellent

I hate tax season. The library is suddenly inundated with people who want free tax help.... or more specifically they want someone to DO their tax return for them for free. Never mind all the pretty signage to the effect that library staff are not trained to answer ANY tax questions. Never mind that I don't really trust myself to do my own fucking taxes (you DON'T want me doing yours.) No. Forget all that. What really pisses me off this year is the tax rebate that Bush has promised everyone. In order to get your check from the Government, you have to file a tax return. It's really simple. If you want the IRS to be able to find you, to give you your money, they have to know that you exist. But I am not allowed to answer ANY tax questions. So I keep having repeats of this:

(on telephone) "Do you have form 10 w40?"

"Ummmm. I've never heard of that one. (thinking to myself that it sounds like some sort of lubricant.) We have all of the standard state and federal forms from the IRS available in the library. If we don't have a physical copy of a form, and it is in existence, I can print any tax form off the IRS website for you for ten cents per page."

"It's not for taxes. I'm a senior citizen. I don't file taxes. They told me that I need 10 w40 to get my three hundred dollars. I don't file taxes."

"If you know what form you need I can print it for you from the IRS website here in the library."

"No I keep telling you, I don't file taxes. I just need my three hundred dollars. Is that the form I need to get my three hundred dollars?"

"I can't give any advice as to what form you need. If you know the exact form you need, I can find and print it for you. I'm not trained to give ANY tax advice. (still thinking that 10 w40 is a motor oil)"

"It's not for taxes. I'm a senior citizen. You don't have to get snippy with me missy."

"sigh"

Then there are the multitudes of people who insist that the IRS will not take a copied form. We have several binders of obscure tax forms, FROM the IRS, that patrons can make copies from. Try explaining to them why they can't take the original (PLASTICIZED!) sheet from the binder, they must make a copy.

"They won't take a copy. I need the form."

"They will take a copy. The IRS SENT US these nifty reproducible sheets for your convenience."

"I don't have any change for copies. Can you give me a quarter?"

Not really sure that this is what is meant by the phrase "your tax dollars at work." I can't wait until the end of April......

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Feb 21, 2008

{ Keeping track of reference questions }

-Excellent

Today's most frequent and brilliant:

“Are you open today?”
“No. I’m here answering phones on my day off.”
(over and over and over again.......)

Then there were about five or six questions involving the location of the restroom. (mind you, in order to get to my desk and ask where the restroom is, you have to pass through the big yellow area with the big “restroom” signs and the big double doors, also labeled “restroom.” They miss all this, but make it over to my little, hidden desk marked subtly “information.” )

“Do you have any packets?”
“Packets? Tax packets?”
“No. You know. Packets. Do you have any?”
“Packets of what?” I’m sorry I don’t think I understand your question fully.”
“Big poofy noise of exasperation and then a click as they hang up on me.”

Do you have eviction forms? I gotta evict somebody.”
We have books of forms that you could copy one from.”
“Can’t you find it online? My friend found one online for free.”
"They probably are available online. It’s still ten cents to print out.”
"But my friend found one for free. What good is the library anyway?”
(I’m getting to love it when people say that) “

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Feb 20, 2008

{ How often do you change your trousers? }

-excellent
After a certain amount of time has passed without washing or changing your trousers, do people lose the ability to smell their own odor? Do they become so acclimatized to their own stench that they really don’t notice it? OR do they just not give a shit (no pun intended)?

If you are twenty feet away from me at your computer I should NOT be able to smell you. Even worse is when you have such a distinguished smell that I know you have entered the library without even having to look over at the entrance when you walk in – your odor precedes you.

It’s not as bad as the guy who used to come in with an infected knee. But all of my adult standards of sex and dating have stemmed from the basic assumption that ADULT MEN SHOULD NOT SMELL LIKE THEY HAVE WET THE BED….., and then not washed or changed their trousers in about three months.

I would understand if they were homeless. I would understand if they were mentally inept or disabled or suffered from a crippling depression because their spouse was run over by a lorry. But most of the smelly people who come in here are living at home with their Mommies, don’t work, and should be perfectly capable of finding the time to take a shower and change their undies before they try to flirt with the girl at the library.

I’m just disgusted.

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Feb 19, 2008

{ Next person who coughs on me..... }

-Excellent

People go to the library when they are too sick to go to their own jobs. Then they sit on the computers all day and cough on the keyboard, the mouse, the seat cushions. They cough on the library lady. They sit in the chair by my desk and lean over my keyboard to see my computer screen, and cough in my face.

Now I have an itchy throat and a fever but I have too many meetings to go to this week to stay home. So I guess it’s my turn to spread the germs to every patron who asks me for anything. And people laugh at me for spraying the computers with Lysol during flu season…….

And people keep coming up with the craziest things…..

“My keyboard’s not working. The keys don’t do anything.”
“Well, it’s unplugged. Try it now.”
“Oh. Ok”

Ten minutes pass…. “My keyboard’s not working”
And so on.

“Can I switch computers?”
“Is there something wrong with that computer?”
“My mouse isn’t working. Can I switch computers?”
“Ok. The mouse works. The scroll wheel isn’t working, but you can still use the mouse.”
“But how can I go down on the webpage?”
“You’re going to have to move the mouse with your hand…..”

I don’t even feel well enough to drink coffee. Hot water with bourbon and honey are waiting in seven more hours or so….

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Feb 5, 2008

{ Democracy }

-Excellent

Democracy. Good idea in theory if people weren’t such assholes. A little thing where people are invited to vote for their favorite poster. I’m sure libraries everywhere do this at some point. You are supposed to write your choice on a slip of paper from selections 1-6, and then drop the slip into a ballot box. It’s never that simple, though. I’ve had a lot of write-ins. 30 votes for “Bitch.” One vote for “Your Mama.” And one vote for “suck my dick” from somebody named bitch.

If they were that bored they could have come over and talked to me. I would have given them something more interesting to do.

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